Coming Out from Behind the Mask

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, and that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness

Growing up as a gay man born in 1951 in America, being equal was never quite part of the deal.   Ignorance of homosexuality was fairly common across society.  I remember growing up reading Ann Landers, a widely popular advice columnist of her day.  She would get letters from parents asking what to do when they suspected their child was gay.  I don’t remember her responses but I do remember thinking to myself – just how do you know someone is gay?  Is there some sign that you could tell?  

When the movie Boys in the Band, a gay-themed mainstream film came out. my mother took us to see the movie.  She lamented how sad life was for these men and how unfair it was for them.  I thought gee, not something I want any part of.  Although I played some basketball, I was lousy at sports, but I had lots of athletic friends.  I liked cars and trucks.  Was fascinated with construction and animals.  My best friend was a track athlete and masculine as a teenager could be.  Although looking back on it I was always very conscious of his physical self and I wonder now if we were both closeted.  I didn’t play with dolls or play house with girls or want to dress up in my mother’s clothes or wear her makeup or the other broad generalizations some people say are signs you are gay.  So, I thought I was not gay.   I always had a steady girlfriend and attended both Jr. and Sr. proms.   I was sexually active and almost got engaged my freshman year in college until my roommate talked me out of it for purely selfish male reasons and not because I was gay and didn’t know it.  

By sophomore year I widened my circle of friends to include gay men, lesbians, and even some NYC drag queens that I met through others.   I liked the diversity of ideas – and deep down I was coming to realize I was different.   I could admire a pretty girl or a handsome man walking down the street.  But acting on it didn’t happen until a few years after college when some lesbian friends of mine in the course of a casual conversation blurted out the question – are you gay?   Saying yes was monumental as I never admitted it to myself until that moment.  And I have no idea why I did then.  I assume I was waiting for someone to ask me the question.  But in any case, it started a dual life so many LGBTQ folks experience with one foot in the closet.  This is not unlike Presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg or Olympic skier Gus Kenworthy spoke so much better than I do. Rather I want to share a bit of the life of a high-tech professional who was looking to grow a career yet shield himself from persecution and discrimination in the workplace a gay man could experience in those times.        

First some employment law grounding.  At-will employment is a term used in U.S. labor law for contractual relationships in which an employee can be dismissed by an employer for any reason (that is, without having to establish "just cause" for termination), and without warning, as long as the reason is not illegal (e.g. firing because of the employee's race or religion and now sexual orientation as of this week). When an employee is acknowledged as being hired "at will," courts deny the employee any claim for loss resulting from the dismissal. The rule is justified on the basis that an employee may be similarly entitled to leave his or her job without reason or warning.  

But it is rare in a well-run company with an informed HR department that someone would be overtly fired for being gay or trans.   Let’s be real here – it’s covered up with all kinds of well-documented performance justifications.  Or your life is made miserable in the corporate social circle and you're shamed out of the company for just being you.  Or you are passed over for promotions and raises.   And you will never be able to prove a thing.  So, you move on.   Or you’re not even hired to begin with if there is any suspicion on the part of the hiring party.  You can make all kinds of arguments about this not happening or argue the safeguards there are to protect against this.  But take it from me – it happens and will continue covertly as well.  

Just as women feel gender discrimination from men, it’s there for lesbians and gays in different ways.   So, to thrive you dance around sharing your personal life outside of work.  You make vague references to what you do on weekends – ‘with friends and family’.   Lots of ‘we’ pronouns vs. he or she.   You make excuses for corporate events as much as you can.  I will say increasingly I was lucky over the years to work with people who may not have known I was gay but probably wouldn’t have cared if I was.  But I could never be sure and when you are far from ‘out and proud’ you keep your life to yourself.   It’s a dance you make in a world that was not and is not, universally accepting of your sexual orientation.  As I managed larger and larger teams and rose in executive rank at work, I grew close to many of my staff and I shared my ‘secret’.  Many of those are still close friends.  As that circle grew it became easier to be truthful with myself.   So often when I would finally get around to telling a friend or workmate I was gay they would say – I already knew that.   It was a relief, and although it took the surprise out of it, we always had a good laugh over it.   Coming out for me was a personal evolution of many decades.  It was not until after the long wedding weekend with Kevin that I decided to share the news with some of my executive peers at work.   Their warm response and strong encouragement to be my true self and live my life were instrumental for me in breaking down those last barriers and putting both feet out of the closet.   Yet two decades later I realize I am a child of the social period I grew up in and some of that paranoia remains.   Living in California was always freedom for me.  So was Hawaii.  Or Europe.  Or even Israel.   And now living in Nevada where marriage equality is in the state constitution my equality has been codified.  But the rest of my own country is not as welcoming border to border whether my fear was justified or not. 

I’ve always enjoyed watching young kids and young adults live life fully ‘out’ at home and at work these days.   Maybe we were trailblazers.   In my day we never dreamed of marriage.  Or raising a family and having children as so many of my younger gay families have done.   It just wasn’t an option.    Not that I’m unhappy being a crazy cat daddy and I don't want kids.   We have gone from inclusiveness in the workplace only at companies like San Francisco companies Levi and Gap to this being the norm.   Social conservatives have long grasped discrimination in all its forms against LGBTQ folks in all walks of life.   They continue to actively seek to make us second-class citizens to be discriminated against in work, health, housing, and retail.  Bigotry and homophobia will not be eliminated by legislation alone or by a ruling from the Supreme Court.  It’s homegrown in the family, shared with children through religious beliefs and doctrines that are handed down from generation to generation.  But if you look back at my life in the 50s and 60s and the kid who through ignorance wondered to himself just how you identify someone was gay to where we are now, it is good to finally be free and transparent.    

But the battles are far from over.  I am painfully aware that as a white gay man I was able to enjoy opportunities my black or Latino gay brothers and trans were not able to and are still not able to enjoy today. Gender equality, race equality, human rights, and the continuing LGBTQ battles must continue to fulfill those aspirational words from our Declaration of Independence.  

 We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, and that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness.